There’s a few things coming up that I’m extremely excited about, but for now I want to update the ol’ blog with something I am only reasonably excited about: Dunkin Donuts is coming to the greater Los Angeles area, AND it’s already ahead of schedule. I think it’s kinda whack that the first few…
On Episode 17 of Matt and Ryan Get Board we are finally joined by another guest! This week we welcome Chris Fafalios bass player from Punchline! Chris suggested the game this week and we play the great party game Scattergories. We dive into a bunch of different topics in here as we try and…
The scene opens up and it’s 1998 in Hewitt and Robbis’s dorm room. “Doo Wop (That Thing)” by Lauryn Hill is being played on the dorm room floor. The door to the dorm room is open, and Robbis is at his desk. The desk is filled with neatly organized art supplies, and a blank sheet of paper sits in the middle. Robbis is staring at the blank sheet, pencil in hand. Hewitt and Wick enter the room. Hewitt has jet black spiky hair and a NOFX “Punk in Drublic” t-shirt on. Wick is wearing a nice green Abercrombie polo and khakis.
Hewitt: Yo Robbis! What up bro bro?
Hewitt: Hey, this is my buddy from back home I was telling you about. Wick, this is my roommate Robbis.
Wick: (walking over toward Robbis and extending his hand) Nice to meet you man, I’m Wick.
Robbis: Nice to meet you.
Hewitt: Wick is gonna be crashin’ here on the air mattress this weekend. We’re gonna hit up some parties just off campus. You gonna come with us?
Robbis: Yes I will.
Hewitt: Fuck yeah man! This is gonna be great! Hey, I gotta take a leak. I’ll be right back.
Hewitt exits the room.
Wick: (looking around the room) This is pretty nice for a dorm room. (looks to Robbis) What are you working on?
Robbis: Just a drawing.
Wick: Nice! What are you gonna draw?
Robbis: I haven’t decided yet.
Wick: Oh. Maybe you can draw that weird baby from Ally McBeal?
Robbis: I’ve drawn that baby too much lately.
Wick: Hmmm…how about a big ass weed leaf?
Robbis: That’s exactly what people expect a guy in college who looks like me to draw.
Wick: Yeah, that’s true…
Scene cuts to Hewitt walking into the floor bathroom. Jhim is standing at a sink shaving, completely nude.
Hewitt: (seeing Jhim in his peripheral version and turning toward him) Hey Jhim! What’s going… (realizing Jhim is nude and quickly turning away) aw man, what the fuck?
Jhim: (turning toward Hewitt) What’s wrong buddy?
Hewitt: (at a urinal, now facing the wall) Do you have to be naked 75% of your life? I mean, would it kill you to put on a towel?
Jhim: This is COLLEGE, man. Do you really expect me to not show off this (points to his penis) FANTASTIC FUCKIN’ DICK as much as possible?
Hewitt: (still looking away) Do you think the shared bathroom is the best place to do that?
Jhim: No, not the BEST place, but it is A place. Speaking of best places to show off your dick, where’s the party tonight?
Hewitt: (reluctant) Uh, I’m not sure. (zipping up his fly) My buddy from back home is here for the weekend, we were just kinda playing it by ear.
Jhim: Oh fuck yeah man, fuck yeah. Just hit me up when you’re ready to leave.
Hewitt: (reluctantly) Okay man.
Scene cuts back to Robbis and Wick in the dorm room.
Wick: How about a picture of Monica Lewinksy, except she’s posed like the Mona Lisa?
Robbis: It’s been done.
Wick: Oh. I wasn’t aware of that. How about some kind of animal? Do you ever draw animals?
Robbis: No, I really never have.
Wick: Personally, I love looking at a great drawing of a cool animal.
Hewitt walks back into the dorm room.
Hewitt: Well, I guess Jhim is gonna be going out with us tonight too. He didn’t even ask, he just invited himself.
Wick: Who’s Jhim?
Hewitt: Well, let’s just say that bringing Jhim along could make tonight a lot more interesting.
Jhim stands in the doorway, still completely nude.
Jhim: YO, is this your buddy?
The three boys all turn around to see Jhim standing nude in the doorway. The screen turns to all black with “BOYS” in big white Arial font. “I’m Not A Player” by Big Pun featuring Joe plays.
The scene cuts to the 4 boys walking toward a pink house with loud music. Drunk people are all around outside of the house and on the porch. They walk up to the door of the house. There is a guy in a Sublime t-shirt at the door.
Door guy: Yo, sorry guys. We can’t let anybody else in, especially any more GUYS.
Hewitt: (to the boys) Ah shit. Well, let’s see if there are any other…
Wick: (ignoring Hewitt, talking to the door guy and pulling out three big blunts) Maybe these will change your mind?
Wick hands the blunts to the door guy. He smells them, and then moves out of their way.
Door guy: Have a good time, fellas!
The boys all walk in. There are people everywhere in the living room and kitchen, so many that they have to squeeze their way in.
Hewitt: Holy shit man! You come prepared!
Wick: Yeah, I still have 5 more for us! Don’t worry!
Jhim: I like your friend, Hewitt! YOU DA MAN, WINK!
Wick: It’s WICK! But whatever. Let’s get fuckin’ drunk!
The 4 boys make their way to the kitchen, where they are just in time to each get in on a round of tequila shots. Jhim grabs the bottle.
Jhim: (to the whole room) HOW ABOUT ANOTHER ONE?
Most of the people in the crowded room cheer, and Jhim begins pouring more shots. The 4 boys each tap their shot glasses off of the counter and do the shots.
Hewitt: (making disgusted face) Aw fuck man, aren’t we supposed to like, have a lime and salt or something with these?
Jhim: YOU FUCKIN’ PUSSY! DEAL WITH IT!
Wick: He’s got a point. Maybe we can use this as a chaser. (Wick pulls out a blunt)
Jhim: FUCK YEAAAAAH!!!
Wick sparks the blunt and they pass it around. Several girls crowd around the BOYS to join in, and they all begin to dance with them.
The music continues, and the boys get drunker and higher. The room looks crazy from Hewitt’s point of view, and he sees Jhim up on the counter in his underwear. 2 girls join him on the counter, both dancing in their underwear as well. Hewitt begins to laugh, and then all of sudden takes off out of the room and into the backyard. He throws up by a railing.
Girl in black skirt: Aw, GROSS man!!! (she laughs)
Guy in Colorado Avalanche hockey jersey: YEAH MAN, PULL THE TRIGGER!!!! And get in there for round 2!!!
Robbis walks outside and sees Hewitt doubled over.
Robbis: Hey man.
Hewitt: Aw fuuuuck man….I’m sooooo fuckin’ sicccckkkk….. (he throws up again)
Robbis: Yeah man. I’m really drunk.
Hewitt: (slurring his words) Mannn….you don’t even seeeem drunk, are you sure you even drank, ya dick?
Robbis: Yes. I did. I’m very drunk.
Robbis remains calm and doesn’t even seem drunk at all. Jhim and one of the girls he was dancing with stumble outside and begin making out on the porch. Jhim stops making out for a moment and sees Hewitt and Robbis.
Jhim: (to Hewitt and Robbis) BEST FUCKIN’ NIGHT EVER!!!!!!!! (He resumes making out)
Hewitt: (to Robbis) Hey man…I don’t think I can stay….I’m soooo fucking sick.
Robbis: It’s okay. I’ll walk you back.
Hewitt: Okay man. Yeah man. You’re a good friend.
Robbis holds Hewitt up as they walk back toward the dorms. When they get back to the room, Hewitt falls face first into his bed and immediately falls asleep.
Scene cuts to the next morning. Hewitt slowly opens his eyes and rubs his temples. He sees Robbis sitting at his desk drawing.
Hewitt: (groggy) Hey man.
Robbis: (looks over at him) Hey.
Hewitt: Shit man. I feel like shit. Seriously, I’m never drinking again.
Robbis: Yeah, I am really hungover.
Hewitt: Dude, you don’t look remotely hungover. And you’re already up and drawing?
Robbis: Yeah, last night Wick gave me the idea to draw a baby koala bear. I couldn’t wait to start.
Hewitt: Oh. Yeah, of course. Speaking of Wick, where is he?
Robbis: I don’t know. He never came back last night.
Hewitt: Aw fuck man. He probably didn’t know how to get back. Shit, I’m a terrible friend.
Hewitt gets out of bed and walks down the hall to Jhim’s dorm room. He knocks on the door.
Jhim: (from inside the room) GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
Hewitt: Dude, it’s Hewitt. Open up man, I need to talk to you.
Jhim: Hold on. (there is scuffling and talking) Hold on man.
Jhim opens the door and there are two girls under the covers in his bed.
Jhim: (smiling) I’m kinda busy man.
Hewitt: I see that. That’s great man, but I was just wondering if Wick came back with you last night?
Jhim: Who’s Wick?
Hewitt: Uh, my friend from back home. Tall guy. Ya know, the guy who went with us and hung out with us all night.
Jhim: Oh yeah! Nope. Haven’t seen him.
Hewitt: Well, do you know maybe where….
Before Hewitt can finish his question, Jhim shuts the door in his face. Hewitt walks back into his room.
Hewitt: Hey man, would you want to come with me to try to find Wick?
Robbis: Of course.
Hewitt and Robbis look all over campus in a montage set to The Verve’s “Bitter Sweet Symphony”. They look everywhere, including the house from the party the night before which is completely wrecked with people sleeping everywhere. Hewitt tries calling Wick several times on his large cell phone, but it just goes to voicemail. Once the montage has ended, Hewitt and Robbis sit down on a bench outside of the dormitory.
Hewitt: (with his head in his hands) Dammit man. I’m seriously worried. I invited him to come visit, and then I fucking lose him.
Robbis: Maybe he is okay.
Hewitt: MAYBE he is okay? Thanks for the vote of confidence man. I’d like to think he is DEFINITELY okay.
Robbis: Maybe he is definitely okay.
Hewitt: Yeah, you’re right. I guess let’s just go to the room and hope he shows up.
Scene cuts to Hewitt sitting on the edge of his bed, while Robbis works on his drawing at his desk.
Hewitt: (biting his nails) Dude, it’s been over 24 hours since we’ve seen him now.
Robbis: (looking at the clock) Yes, you’re right.
Hewitt: I don’t know what to do.
Jhim walks into the room, wearing a tank top that really shows off his huge biceps.
Jhim: Hey dickheads! Did you find your missing buddy yet?
Jhim: Damn man! That’s kinda fucked up!
Hewitt: Yeah, I’m super worried.
Jhim: Holy shit, I hope he’s not dead!
Hewitt: What the fuck man? Why would you even say that?
Jhim: I mean, we’re all thinking it, I just said it.
Hewitt: I wasn’t thinking that. But now I am thinking about how you’re an asshole.
Jhim: I’m just fuckin’ around man! I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he went home with one of those fly little honeys from the party?
Hewitt: Yeah, I thought maybe he did too, but wouldn’t he at least call by now?
Jhim: Oh yeah, you’re right. He’s probably dead.
Hewitt: Alright, FUCK THIS!
Hewitt storms out of the room. He walks out of the dorms and to the campus police station. He describes Wick and reports him missing.
He walks back to his dorm room, where he stuffs some snacks and bottled waters into his backpack. Robbis watches him inquisitively.
Hewitt: Alright, I’m going out to find Wick, or Wick’s body. Hopefully Wick.
Robbis: Okay, hold on.
Robbis throws a sketch pad, some markers, and some colored pencils into his backpack.
Robbis: I’m ready.
Hewitt: Oh okay, you’re coming too? That’s cool. Thanks man.
Robbis: Of course.
Hewitt and Robbis start to walk down the hall, and Jhim sees them walking away.
Jhim: WOAH! Hold up! You guys going to a party without me?
Hewitt: Uh, no. We’re going to find Wick.
Jhim: Alright, hold on. Let me grab something.
Jhim runs back into his room, and comes back out carrying a bottle of Southern Comfort.
Jhim: Let’s get this SEARCH PARTY started!
The 3 boys search all over campus to no avail. They leave campus and walk along a walking trail that parallels a train track.
Hewitt: This is such a long shot, man. And it’s getting dark.
Jhim: I’m telling you, this is where the REAL parties go on!
Hewitt: Then why haven’t we gone to any parties down here?
Jhim: Uh, you obviously can’t even handle a regular party, you fuckin’ lightweight. What makes you think I’d bring you to a woods party?
Hewitt shakes his head. The guys continue down the trail as it gets darker. They hear some voices and see some smoke coming from the woods up to the left.
Jhim: Up there man! See! Ha!
The boys walk fast following the voices and smoke. The come to a small beaten path off of the walking trail, and they follow it up a hill. They hear the sound of bongo drums and singing, and they continue toward it. They finally see a campfire and some people gathered around it, including a tall, thin figure which they soon realize is Wick.
Hewitt: (running toward the people) YO WICK!!! Holy shit man!!! I was so worried!
The people around the fire all jump back, startled.
Guy in Colorado Avalanche jersey: WHAT IS IT???
Girl in pink tank top with flowers in her hair: Everybody relax.
Wick: Oooohhhhh. I think I know these ones.
The 3 boys approach the group. Wick approaches the boys.
Wick: Hello friends. Welcome to our nook of the Earth.
Hewitt: Your nook of the Earth?
Wick: Yes, we’ve built everything you see here with our bare hands.
Hewitt: Uh, you mean that fire and those lawn chairs?
Jhim: DUDE, your boy is totally trippin’ balls right now!!!
Hewitt takes a close look at Wick and sees that his pupils are enormous.
Hewitt: Wick, are you tripping?
Wick: As a matter of fact, I did come on a trip with my best friends (he motions toward the other people tripping, who are all looking around at the trees). Don’t the leaves look alive tonight?
Hewitt: They look like leaves. I’m glad you’re alright, but couldn’t you have at least called? I was worried as hell about you.
Wick: (laughing) They put Moses on the penny, man.
Wick: I got you a present. I made this for you.
Wick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of mushrooms.
Wick: Here, you look hungry. Eat these and you’ll feel better.
Hewitt: You’re tripping this hard off of mushrooms? How many of these did you eat?
Wick: I have been hungry. (Wick pulls out empty bag after empty bag from his pocket) Things will never be the same.
Hewitt: Jesus man, how did you get so many shrooms? Did you eat like a thousand dollars worth of shrooms?
Wick: Please, eat.
Hewitt: No! I’ve been looking for you all day, and I’m pissed off, I don’t wanna eat…
Jhim: (interrupting and grabbing the mushrooms) I’LL EAT THEM!
Jhim begins eating the mushrooms. He passes the bag to Robbis, who shrugs and then begins to eat them too.
Jhim: OH MY GOD, THESE TASTE SO TERRIBLE!!!
Robbis: Yes they do.
Hewitt: Fuck. Are you guys serious? You’re gonna….ah fuck this, give me some of those.
Hewitt also begins to eat the mushrooms.
Hewitt: This is the worst taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
The fire begins to look weird. “Mutilated Lips” by Ween plays as a montage of the 4 guys tripping begins. They all walk toward a fern and take turns touching it. They see a frog and laugh hysterically at it. Robbis takes out his pad and paper and draws a frog with Monica Lewinsky’s head. Wick balances on a log. Hewitt sees him balancing and walks over to talk to him.
Hewitt: You’re the mayor here.
Wick: It could be true. I’ve been told it’s true.
Hewitt: I’m best friends with the mayor.
Wick: I love you as a friend, a best friend to me.
Hewitt: As the mayor, I know that I never have to worry about you.
Wick: The mayor takes care of his people. The mayor never needs taken care of.
Hewitt: It’s a powerful position.
Wick: So I’ve been told. (He begins to crack up) Look! (he points at nothing)
Hewitt: (looks at the nothing Wick was pointing at and starts to laugh) I’ll never worry about the mayor again!
Hewitt and Wick laugh so hard that they have to sit down on the ground. As the scene ends, we see everyone laughing, dancing, and enjoying themselves. The last shot of the scene is Jhim by himself, up in a tree, nude and eating more mushrooms.
The scene cuts to current day at the BOYS apartment. Robbis is sitting on the couch next to Bella, and Jhim and JaKwee are sharing the love seat. Jhim and JaKwee are flipping through Robbis’s drawings for the COOL BOYS cartoon.
Jhim: These are FUCKING GREAT! So cool you made me a BADASS LION too!
Robbis: You are a lion cub.
Jhim: FUCK YEAH, a lion cub who will EAT THE SHIT OUT OF ANYONE!
Robbis: It’s mostly just situational humor.
Jhim: Yeah, I’ll have to talk to Hewitt about that.
JaKwee: (smiling) I think he’s already giving you way too much credit by making you a lion cub. I think maybe you should be a parakeet, you fuckin’ birdbrain!
Jhim: (grabbing her and playfully throwing her into the couch) Yeah, I might have a bird brain, but I also have big fucking PARAKEET TALONS!!!
JaKwee screams with laughter as Jhim wrestles her into the couch. Bella rests her head on Robbis’s shoulder as she picks up the drawings and flips through them. Hewitt walks in the door to the apartment.
Jhim: YO HEWITT! Can you maybe make me eat somebody on the cartoon?
Hewitt: Hey guys. I don’t know about that, man. I’ll let you know.
Jhim: Come on dude! You promised you would make me awesome.
Hewitt: Oh, don’t worry, you’re plenty awesome. Hey, is Wick home yet?
Robbis: No, he’s not here.
Hewitt: Geez. Have either of you guys heard from him lately?
Jhim: DUDE! Don’t fucking worry about THE MAYOR! You’re not his Mom, he’s a BIG BOY.
Hewitt: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Jhim: THAT’S WHAT BOYS DO!
Hewitt: It really didn’t even make sense to use that expression in this situation.
Hewitt walks into his room and takes out his phone. He looks at his texts to Wick, which Wick still hasn’t responded to. He then looks at the last text from Flaylia again. He types a simple “Hey” back to her, but he doesn’t press send.
The scene cuts to Flaylia and Rick sitting on the plane on the runway. They fasten their seatbelts, and she pulls out a SkyMall catalog and begins to flip through it.
Rick: (pointing to the magazine) Look! Those are the shoes with the toes in them that I wanted!
Flaylia: Please honey, just keep wanting them.
Rick: But they’re awesome!
Flaylia politely smiles and Rick kisses her on the cheek. He grabs her hand. An announcement comes on that says that all electronic devices must now be turned off. Flaylia takes out her phone to check one last time for any text messages. She stops on her last message to Hewitt, and sees that he still hasn’t responded. She turns her phone off and closes her eyes.
The scene cuts to Wick, still tied up in the closet at Nally’s. He has managed to work the scissors he had hidden underneath himself into his right hand behind his back. Over the course of the entire day, he has managed to cut through most of the rope on his hands. Finally, he is able to free his right hand, and then his left. In a panicked rush, he begins to loosen and undo the many knots around his feet. Soon, he is able to free himself completely. He hears the sound of the clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen. Wick slowly opens the closet door and sees Nally working in the kitchen, facing away from him. He crawls along the floor as quietly as possible, trying to get past the kitchen and out the door, which he can see is bolted and chained many times. He tiptoes hunched over past the kitchen, but loses sight of Nally. He no longer hears the sounds coming from the kitchen. As soon as he is about to be past the kitchen, he looks up, straight into the barrel of a shotgun. He sees Nally at the other end, looking angry.
Nally: Mister Wick. Where do you think you’re going?
Wick: I was…just…
Wick lunges toward Nally. The scene cuts to the outside of the building. A loud shotgun blast can be heard.
The screen cuts to black and Ween’s “Even If You Don’t” plays. The credits roll.
The episode opens up with Jhim sitting in a holding cell. He is leaning forward with his head in his hands. His shirt is ripped and his lip is busted. A jail guard approaches the door to the cell.
Jail Guard: Okay, come on.
Jhim: I can go?
Jail Guard: You made bail.
Jhim follows the guard out into the lobby, where he sees JaKwee.
JaKwee: Hey Johnny Chan.
Jhim: Hey…listen…I’m gonna pay you back…
JaKwee: I know you are.
Jhim: And thank you so much for bailing me out. I thought for sure you hated me now.
JaKwee: (half smiling) Did I say that I didn’t?
Jhim: Oh…I guess not.
JaKwee: I guess I felt like I owed it to you at least a little bit. That guy was majorly creepy.
Jhim: Yeah, he looked like a major creep.
JaKwee: Takes one to know one, right?
Jhim: I’m a lot of things, but CREEP I am not! Geez.
Jhim and JaKwee walk out of the front entrance to the jail.
Jhim: You know Johnny Chan is a poker player, not a fighter, right?
The scene cuts to a black screen with “BOYS” in big red Arial font. “Web In Front” by Archers of Loaf plays.
The scene cuts to Hewitt walking into the FRITTER building. He walks up to the receptionist, but before he can even talk to her, Randy Mavis sees Hewitt:
Randy: HEY BUDDY!
Hewitt: (arms open) Randy!
They embrace in a man hug.
Randy: It’s been WAY too long.
Randy: And who’d have thought we’d be meeting back up under THESE circumstances?
Hewitt: I know man. This is all so exciting.
Randy: It sure is. Well, my office is back here, come on back. I’ll have Jess bring us come coffee (he looks over toward Jess the receptionist and she nods and gets up)
Hewitt and Randy walk into Randy’s office. It’s large and impressive. There are many cartoon toys on shelves around the room, and posters from cartoons that Fritter has produced.
Hewitt: What an office!
Randy: Yep, this is where the magic happens, where dreams become two dimensional reality!
Hewitt: All I can say is WOW. I’m so impressed, Randy.
Randy: You’re not the only one who’s impressed. We LOVED your script. And when I say “we”, that includes Gel Martino.
Hewitt: GEL MARTINO READ MY SCRIPT? “THE” GEL MARTINO?
Randy: He sure did.
Hewitt: He’s a legend, man. This is amazing. Here, I brought these (Hewitt pulls some story boards out of his backpack).
Randy: Wow, I read the script, but I didn’t know you were picturing all the characters as baby animals!
Hewitt: Well, they don’t necessarily need to be, it was just an idea…
Randy: It’s an INCREDIBLE idea. We could appeal to the 3-12 year old demographic, as WELL as the 18-55 year olds. This could be just what we need to have Mr. Martino green light this project.
Hewitt: (smiling) I don’t know what to say.
Randy: Well, don’t say anything yet. Let’s see if we can get a few minutes with Gel today. (he picks up his phone) Jess, can you see if Mr. Martino is available?….Thanks.
Hewitt: (smiling hugely) Holy shit man.
Randy: Yeah, right?
Scene cuts to Nally working at the Trinkley mansion. She is feather dusting in Mr. Trinkley’s study, when Mr. Trinkley enters the room.
Nally: (stops dusting and curtsies) Why hello and good day, Mr. Trinkley!
Mr. Trinkley: Hello Nally. Please, don’t let me interfere with your work. I will just be at my desk writing a letter.
Nally: As you wish, Mr. Trinkley.
Mr. Trinkley: Oh, Nally, beg pardon, but have you happened to have heard from Mister Wick? I know you were the one who informed us of us his illness and has been covering for him. I do hope all is well.
Nally: Oh yes, he’s just been down with an absolutely AWFUL case of influenza. I stopped over to drop off some soup as his apartment last night, and he could barely sit up.
Mr. Trinkley: Oh my. That is just terrible. Well, if you speak to him again, please let him know to make sure he recovers fully before returning to work. We don’t want the influenza being spread around to the rest of the staff, and most importantly, to Mrs. Trinkley and myself! We aren’t exactly spring chickens these days, Nally.
Nally: (smiling) I should hope to be in half as good of health as yourself and Mrs. Trinkley when I’m your age! And I will surely pass the message along to Mister Wick.
Mr. Trinkley: Thank you Nally. Well, I should be getting to work.
Nally: Of course, Mr. Trinkley.
Scene cuts to Wick tied up in the closet. He is completely broken down and hopeless. He lays limp in the chair. With a sudden burst of energy, he slams his back and the chair repeatedly against the wall. From the shelf above him, a box falls containing sewing supplies, which he can only see from a sliver of light coming from under the door. He inches his way toward where everything is spilled. He sees the silhouette of a pair of scissors, and quickly falls in a heap onto the floor. With the chair still attached to him and his back toward the supplies on the floor, he tries with all his might to make his way to the scissors.
The scene cuts back to Hewitt and Randy, and they are now walking into the office of Gel Martino. Gel Martino has a huge mustache, fancy pinstriped suit, and speaks somewhat broken English with an indecipherable accent. Mr. Martino’s office is enormous, with a huge view of the city behind him. He is sitting at a giant glass desk, and he smiles as he sees Hewitt and Randy enter.
Gel: Ah yes! Rannnndy! Come on eeeeen!
Randy: Mr. Martino, always a pleasure.
Gel: Thee pleasure is all mine, I assure you Randeeee.
Randy: Mr. Martino, I’d like you to meet Hewitt. He wrote the “Cool Boys” script, and he’s also an old college friend of mine.
Gel: (approaching the two and extending his hand to Hewitt) Of courrrrse. Pleased to meet you.
Hewitt: (shaking his hand) It’s an honor sir!
Gel: Come on over heeeere, men. Let’s talk about theeengs like true gentlemeeen.
Gel pours three glasses of whiskey and hands one to Randy and Hewitt, and picks one up himself. Hewitt takes a sip and almost gags, but plays it off like its nothing.
Gel: So I like theees script. But I neeeed to heeeear more about the deeerection of these characters. Please tell me more, my friend.
Hewitt: (clearing his throat)Yes…yes….of course! (gaining his confidence) Well, you see, the whole thing is kind of autobiographical, based on my friends and I. And if you met these guys, you would know that it isn’t even far-fetched to think that they could get in these sort of situations….
Hewitt continues to explain as Randy and Gel Martino listen intently.
The scene cuts to JaKwee and Jhim in JaKwee’s car. She is dropping him off at the Boys’ apartment.
JaKwee: Well, looks like this is your stop, bruiser.
Jhim: Yep…here we are….do you want to park, and come inside so I can properly thank you?
JaKwee: Uh, how do you plan on doing that?
Jhim: Umm, I guess with some super hot fucking sex? Obviously?
JaKwee: (smiling) You never change, do you Jhim? (grabbing his hand) Look, I like you. And I could see myself being with you. But not until you learn to control yourself. Maybe you need to talk to a therapist, or maybe enroll in some anger management classes?
Jhim: And if I don’t?
JaKwee: Well, that’s fine. But I’m not going to date you.
Jhim: Damn. That’s just straight up cold.
JaKwee: No it’s not, Jhim. I’m telling you, drop the macho attitude and rage issues, and I know there’s a sweet guy under there.
Jhim: There’s a sweet guy right here! Who wants you to come in and totally do you!
JaKwee: (smiles) You’re funny. Just get yourself chilled out, and then call me.
Jhim: Okay. Fine.
Jhim opens his car door and starts to get out. JaKwee grabs his hand.
JaKwee: You ARE going to fix your problems and call me, right?
Jhim: Yes. I swear.
JaKwee: And why should I believe you?
Jhim: Because that’s what boys do.
JaKwee: Oh god.
She pulls Jhim back toward her and kisses him hard on the lips, and then pushes him away. He gets out of the car smiling, walks toward his apartment, and looks back to see JaKwee drive away.
The scene cuts back to Gel Martino’s office, where Hewitt, Randy, and Gel are all laughing hard and obviously drunk.
Hewitt: (laughing) …AND THEN Robbis has NO idea that Jhim is passed out naked in his bed!!!!!
Gel: (laughing hard, picking his head up from his desk) OH MY, theeeese guys seem like they were BOOOORN to be aneeemated! Just theee interaction between Roooobbis and Jheeem alone, I can picture it so cleeeearly already!
Randy: (smiling) Oh, Mr. Martino! We maybe forgot to bring this up, but Hewitt also had the incredible idea of making all the characters BABY ANIMALS as well!
Gel: Oh YES! YES YES YES! To appeeeal to both thee teeny young viewers, and also thee older deeeemographic!
Hewitt: (smiling) Randy, Mr. Martino, whether we do this or not, I just want to thank you right now for the opportunity just to have this meeting with….
Gel: (interrupting) LET’S DO EEET.
Hewitt: (shocked) what?
Gel: YOU HEEEARD ME! LET’S DO EEET!
Randy: (turning to Hewitt) Hewitt, Mr. Martino wants to make the show.
Hewitt: (shaking in disbelief) Mr. Martino…I don’t know what to say….this has been my dream for so long….
Gel: No need to say anyyyything. Just write a heeeet show. We have theee best animeeeators in the business. It’s up to you to write thee compelling stories.
Hewitt: Absolutely Mr. Martino. Absolutely.
Gel: Randy, geeet Mr. Heweeet some food and sober heeem up. I will get our peeeople to write something up.
Hewitt profusely thanks Mr. Martino and shakes his hand as he and Randy exit the room.
Randy: Wow man, that was quite an impressive pitch. Unreal!
Hewitt: (queasy) Randy, I’ve never been happier in my life….and I’m also gonna throw up….
Randy quickly leads Hewitt toward the restroom.
The scene cuts to Rick and Flaylia in the bedroom, packing suitcases.
Rick: Do you think I need to bring any pants at all? I don’t think it’s ever supposed to be below 85 degrees the whole time.
Flaylia: Don’t you want to wear pants when we go out to dinner?
Rick: I don’t think it’s necessary. I think it’s actually considered offensive if you wear pants to restaurants in Aruba. Even the fanciest restaurants encourage dress shorts.
Flaylia: Dress shorts? Is there such a thing?
Rick: Of COURSE. What do you think THESE are? (he holds up a pair of khaki cargo shorts)
Flaylia: (annoyed) Yes, of course, what was I thinking.
Flaylia picks up a few beautiful dresses, but decides against packing them when she sees that Rick is only packing shorts and golf shirts.
Rick: And plus, we can probably just have food delivered STRAIGHT to the golf courses. I think they will deliver by golf cart!
Flaylia: Okay, so you plan on golfing the ENTIRE trip?
Rick: I plan on US golfing TOGETHER. And no, not the ENTIRE trip. We can boogie board too!
Flaylia: Oh, okay. Have you seen my sunscreen?
Rick: I think it’s on the second shelf in the laundry room.
Flaylia: Oh yeah, I’ll go grab it.
Flaylia exits the room, and Rick walks over to his dresser. He opens it, and pull out a small box. He opens the box, and takes a look at the engagement ring inside. He then put it into the cargo pocket of his shorts and packs them into his suitcase.
The scene cuts to Wick laying limp on the ground of the closet, with his arms and legs still tied to the chair. The door opens, and Nally walks in.
Nally: (concerned) Oh my, Mister Wick! You’ve fallen over again.
Nally: Oh, and I see you’ve made quite a mess in here as well! (she picks up some of the sewing supplies) Let’s get you back up off this floor.
Nally struggles and gets Wick back into the sitting position.
Nally: Oh my, Mister Wick, do I ever have a treat for you tonight! I’m making STUFFED MUSHROOMS as an appetizer, and shrimp stir fry as the main course! How does that sound?
Wick doesn’t reply.
Nally: I’m sure you’ll LOVE my dinner once you take one bite! Oh, and I also picked up a copy of NEVER BEEN KISSED on DVD. I’ll bring the laptop in and play it for you if you promise to behave yourself! (she laughs) Okay, I’ll see you for dinner!
Nally shuts the door behind her. Wick quickly starts wiggling his hand to try to get at the scissors that he had managed to stash between himself and the chair.
The screen cuts to black and the credits start to roll. “A Cold Freezin’ Night” by The Books plays. The audience once again loves the episode and is looking forward to the season finale. They all tweet like CRAZY about it.
New episode of BOYS premieres tonight on this blog, right after GIRLS. Here’s a picture of one of my favorite GIRLS.
The episode opens in a pitch black room. In first person perspective, Wick’s eyes open, and a blurry screen is in front of him. His eyes focus, and he sees that it’s a computer screen with an episode of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” on. As he slowly comes to, he looks around and makes out the faint outline of boxes to his right, and he realizes he’s in a very small room. He makes a move to stand up, but as he does, he quickly falls back into the chair. He looks down and sees that his legs and arms are both tied with thick rope and secured around the chair. He realizes what has happened, and yells “HELP!!!” at the top of his lungs. He wiggles wildly trying to free himself, but only ends up falling forward, incapacitated even more by the many ropes and chair that is now on top of him. He yells at the top of his lungs “NALLY!!!!”
The screen cuts to all green, with “BOYS” very big in orange Arial font. “Not Easy” by All plays.
The scene cuts to Hewitt sitting on the couch eating a bowl of cereal and turning on the TV. He picks up his phone and looks at his text messages. He looks at the last text he had received from Flaylia that said “Hey Huey”. Hewitt hasn’t responded to it. Jhim walks out of his room and into the kitchen.
Hewitt: (yelling into the kitchen) Hey man, do you know if Wick ever came home last night?
Jhim: No, I don’t. Let me check. (loudly) HEY WICK!….No, I don’t think he did.
Hewitt: Geez, I guess he couldn’t go through with it.
Jhim: (walking into the main room) Go through with what?
Hewitt: He was gonna break up with that little maid.
Jhim: Oh shit, the hot one he was with at the party?
Jhim: I didn’t even know they were dating. I thought he just fucked her at that party?
Hewitt: Yeah, they weren’t. But she thought they were.
Jhim: That’s how it happens, man. She probably got him over to her place, wore some sexy little outfit, and BANG, Wick has a girlfriend.
Hewitt: I don’t know man. I think he was a little freaked out by the fact that she got his name tattooed on her ass.
Jhim: (seriously) Get the fuck outta here.
Hewitt: I’m serious man. He showed me a picture.
Jhim: That’s FUCKED UP he showed you and not me! Also, that’s sick as HELL. He SHOULD date her, what the fuck?
Hewitt: First of all, you barely were even talking yesterday or you would’ve seen it. Second of all, tattooing a guy’s name on your ass after having sex with him once is pretty weird man.
Jhim: Nah, i think he’s been bangin’ that chick pretty regularly man. I think maybe he just doesn’t want to admit that he has a girlfriend because he knows we’ll call him out on being FUCKIN’ WHIPPED.
Hewitt: Well, I didn’t know that. But he seemed dead set on ending things with her.
Jhim: Dude, if a girl is willing to dedicate her ass to you in such a beautiful, heartfelt, lifelong way, you OWE it to her to at least hit it one more time. He’s just doing his DUTY.
Hewitt: Eh, I guess you’re right.
Robbis walks into the room.
Jhim: WHAT UP DADDY WARBUCKS?
Robbis: Hey guys.
Hewitt: Hey Robbis, what’s going on? I haven’t seen you much the past few days. You out livin’ the high life?
Jhim: Yeah ya fuckin’ baby animal Picasso, where ya been?
Robbis: I have been spending some quality time with Bella.
Jhim: Wait a sec…you mean JaKwee’s roommate Bella?
Jhim: HOLY SHIT! Really?
Robbis: Yes. She’s a really great girl.
Jhim: (excited) That’s fucking GREAT man! Seriously! Were you at their place? Did you see JaKwee at all?
Robbis: Yes, actually I did. She came in shortly after Bella and I made love for the first time.
Jhim: HOLY FUCK! DAMN DUDE! (he turns to Hewitt) can you believe your boy over here? (he turns back to Robbis) So did JaKwee talk about me?
Robbis: No, she didn’t. Was she supposed to?
Jhim: OH, I SEE HOW’S SHE’S PLAYING THIS. Alright Robbis, here’s what I want you to do…DON’T mention me at ALL to JaKwee. Two can play at this game. Ha! I knew it! She fucking wants me.
Jhim stands up, does a forceful fist pump of celebration, and goes back into this room.
Hewitt: I’m happy for you man.
Robbis: Thank you.
The scene cuts back to Wick laying on the floor, tied up with the chair on top of him. He is out of breath after trying to break free for some time, and his voice is gone from yelling for so long. An episode of “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” is still playing on the laptop on a small table. Wick begins to weep out of frustration. The door finally cracks and some light comes into the room, which is almost blinding to Wick. He squints.
Wick: (barely able to speak) Nally…is that you?
Nally: Yes, Mister Wick, it’s me.
Wick: (very hoarse) Nally…why…why are you doing this to me?
Nally: Oh, Mister Wick, please be calm. Everything will be okay. Here.
She opens a water bottle and pours it into Wick’s mouth.
Nally: There ya go, Mister Wick. I just figured you needed some time to settle down, and maybe think about things.
Wick: (able to talk a little better after drinking some water) Nally, this isn’t good…I’ve been yelling for a long time, someone is going to hear and this is going to be really bad for you….so come on, just let me go, I won’t say anything, I probably deserve this for how I treated you…
Nally: Oh, Mister Wick, don’t worry. You see this (she points to the walls, which are covered in thick styrofoam). I made sure that this closet was sound proofed long ago, because I used to come in here to practice my singing! No one will suspect a thing.
At this point, Wick realizes that he should maybe just play along with Nally in hopes that she’ll free him. He calms himself.
Wick: Oh, I see. I didn’t even know that you sang, Nally. See, I’m learning new things about you all the time.
Nally: Oh yes, Mister Wick, I very much enjoy singing. Maybe sometime this week if you get bored in here, I can sing for you a little bit?
Wick: Wait, what do you mean? Do you plan on keeping me in this closet all week?
Nally: Well, I haven’t really decided. I guess just until I know that you’ve come around and realized that this is REAL love. I have just come to realize it before you have.
Wick: (playing along) Yes, yes of course, Nally. I guess sometimes I’m just slow to realize things.
Nally: (singing) “no, you can’t hurry love….no, you just have to wait….she said, love don’t come easy…”
Wick: You have a very beautiful singing voice, Nally.
Nally: Why THANK YOU Mister Wick! You really are a sweetheart, which is why I love you so much. I set you up with the entire 5th season of Fresh Prince, do you have any requests of what you’d like to watch tomorrow?
Wick: Well Nally, I COMPLETELY understand why you have me in here, but what about work? I have to go to work or I’ll lose my job, and that wouldn’t be good at all!
Nally: Oh, don’t worry! I let the Trinkleys know that you won’t be in, and I am covering ALL your duties for you!
Wick: (dejected) Thank you Nally. Can you at least help me get in a little more comfortable of a position?
Nally: Oh of course Mister Wick!
She struggles to pick up the tied up Wick and get him back sitting in the chair.
Nally: Okay, I’m going to get dinner ready! How does eggplant parmesan sound?
Nally closes the door behind her, and Wick lets out a “FUCCCCCCKKKK” at the top of his lungs.
Scene cuts to Hewitt once again sitting at his computer, checking his email. He sees that he has an email from Randy Mavis. He reads the email, and then gets up and runs out of his room and into Robbis’s room.
Hewitt: DUDE! I need your help!!!
Robbis: (stops drawing a baby panther) Of course. Anything.
Hewitt: Well, you know how I told you I have been writing an animated series?
Hewitt: Well, I went to school with this guy Randy, and he works for this huge animation company called Fritter…well anyway, long story short, I hit him up and sent him my script, and they’re INTERESTED!
Robbis: That’s fantastic.
Hewitt: YES, YES IT IS. I’m so pscyhed. But listen. I need to put together some story boards, basically kinda mapping out each episode with some drawings. But I’m terrible at drawing. Can you help me?
Robbis: Of course. You know it will have to all be baby animals though, right?
Hewitt: Yeah, I kinda figured. But that’s cool! I never thought about it much before, but maybe that could work!
Robbis: Go get your script.
Hewitt excitedly exits the room, and Robbis goes back to drawing a baby panther.
Scene cuts to JaKwee and Bella’s apartment. JaKwee is sitting on the couch watching a rerun of The Office. Bella walks in the door to the apartment.
JaKwee: Hey girl.
Bella: (walking over to the couch and sitting next to JaKwee) SO.
Bella: So, I was wondering what you’re doing tonight.
JaKwee: I was planning on maybe taking a nap right here.
Bella: Well, what don’t you postpone your napping plans, and come out with me and Robbis. We’re going over to this new bar on 6th that has a ton of old arcade games in it. It’s going to be fun.
JaKwee: What on Earth makes you think I’d want to be a third wheel on your date?
Bella: Well, because you wouldn’t be.
JaKwee: And why is that? Of course I would be.
Bella: Because Jhim is going to go.
JaKwee: OH. Well DEFINITELY NOT now.
Bella: Aw come on! I thought you said you were gonna give him another chance!
JaKwee: I NEVER said that.
Bella: Well you IMPLIED it. Come on. If nothing else, you can get drunk and play Pac Man or something.
JaKwee: It’s just gonna be an awkward experience for everyone.
Bella: Nope, I won’t let it be. COME ONNNNNN, obviously it would be so much more fun if I have you there with me. Plus, Jhim is already going, and he will make the WORST third wheel imaginable. You HAVE to go.
JaKwee: (jokingly) Thanks for leaving me no choice, bitch.
Bella: You’re the best! (she hugs JaKwee)
JaKwee: I know.
Scene cuts back to Wick tied up in the closet. “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air” title menu is now up on the laptop, playing a clip of the theme song on loop. Wick opens his eyes and a look of craziness overtakes his face as the song continues to loop.
There are footsteps and then the door cracks open.
Nally: Mister Wick? Is everything okay?
Wick: Yeah Nally, everything is GREAT. But I need to go to the bathroom.
Nally: Oh yes, of course! Let me just figure this out.
Nally shuts the door again. Wick struggles with all his might to try to break free, but to no avail. Nally enters back into the closet carrying a pitcher.
Nally: Here ya go, Mister Wick!
Wick: What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!?
Nally: (looking at his current situation) Oh my, I guess I will need to free up one of your hands. (giggling) Now Mister Wick, make sure your aim is precise!
Wick: Don’t worry, I’m a real marksman.
Nally: Oh, I know! (she tugs at some ropes and loosens Wick’s right hand from behind the chair) There ya go!
Nally quickly moves to Wick’s left so that she is out of reach of his free hand.
Nally: I will give you some privacy. Dinner will be ready in about an hour!
Wick: (exhausted and defeated) Thanks Nally.
Nally closes the door behind him. Wick does his best to maneuver himself in the chair to urinate into the pitcher, but instead aims at the laptop which is still looping the Fresh Prince theme. He soaks the laptop and laughs to himself, although it continues to loop the song.
Scene cuts to Robbis and Jhim walking into the Quarters Emporium bar. Bella and JaKwee are sitting at the bar. Robbis walks right up to Bella, and she hugs and kisses him. Jhim is walking slowly behind.
Bella: Hey Jhim! Glad you could come out!
Jhim: Yeah, me too. (looks at JaKwee) Hey.
JaKwee: (sipping her rum and Coke) Hey.
Bella: Well, I planned ahead a little bit. I got you guys these (she hands them each a beer) and THESE (she hands them each a roll of quarters).
Robbis: This is really great.
Jhim: Woah, thanks! Are you girls going to come join us?
Bella: (looking at JaKwee) Yeah, we’re going to finish these drinks and we’ll come over and join you guys. But go ahead and get started!
Jhim: (looking at JaKwee) Uh, okay.
Jhim and Robbis walk over toward the other side of the large room. Retro arcade games line the walls and loop around the entire bar. Robbis walks up to an Asteroids machine, and Jhim walks up to a Mortal Kombat 2 machine. Jhim plays Mortal Kombat 2 and gets really into it.
Jhim: (at the machine) YOU’RE A LITTLE BITCH, SCORPION! YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCK WITH BARAKA. (he executes Baraka’s finishing move) HA! HOW’S IT FEEL TO BE IMPALED ON MY SMALL SWORDS!!! BITCH!!!
Jhim feels very pleased with himself and is smiling, until he looks back at the bar. A couple of guys are talking to Bella and JaKwee, and one of them is standing very close to JaKwee.
Scene cuts to Hewitt once again at his desk and working on his script. More papers, drawings, and coffees are all over the place in his room. He is super caffeinated and in the writing zone. He walks out of his room and into the kitchen to get more coffee. He realizes that it’s the second night in a row that he hasn’t seen Wick.
Hewitt knocks on Wick’s door.
Hewitt: Wick, are you in there? (he opens the door to see that Wick is not in his room)
Hewitt pulls out his phone to once again text Wick. He sees that he has already texted him 4 times at various points over the past 2 days, with no reply from Wick. He calls Wick’s phone, but it goes straight to voicemail. Hewitt mumbles to himself, pours another cup of coffee, and walks back into his room.
Scene cuts back to Wick leaning back in his seat with one arm free. The door once again cracks open, and this time, Nally is carrying a plate of food and a glass of wine. She takes a look at the empty pitcher and she has a puzzled look.
Nally: I guess you didn’t have to go after all?
Wick: Ah no, the urge passed.
Nally: Oh, that’s not healthy at all Mister Wick. You mustn’t do that to your body! Don’t you know that’s how Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe died?
Wick: That’s just a rumor Nally. He actually died from mercury poisoning.
Nally: (smiling) Oh Mister Wick! You’re so smart! It’s just one of the many reasons I love you.
She brings the dish of food over to him.
Nally: I’ll leave your arm free so you can eat!
Wick: I’m not hungry.
Nally: (disappointed) Well, I’ll just set it on the floor here for whenever you are. Oh, and here, I’ll put on the next episode of Fresh Prince for you!
Nally reaches over to the computer to start the next episode. She feels that the computer is wet.
Nally: (angrily) MISTER WICK! What have you done? Oh my, this is TERRIBLE. (she grabs the computer) I guess my hospitality is NOT APPRECIATED!
Nally slams the door to the closet. Without the glow of the computer screen, Wick is now in the pitch black. He tries to reach down for the food, but realizes he can’t get to it unless he completely topples himself over onto the floor again. He begins to cry.
Scene cuts back to the Quarters Emporium bar. Jhim is still playing Mortal Kombat 2, but glancing over toward JaKwee and Bella often.
Jhim: (yeling at the game) EAT SHIT, REPTILE!
Jhim presses the buttons hard. He defeats Reptile, and the “Finish Him” screen comes up. Before he performs the fatality, he looks over and sees that one of the guys has his arms around JaKwee, and is rubbing his hand on her lower back. He presses the buttons on the machine, and Baraka cuts Reptile’s head off. The scene changes to slow motion. “Ampersand” by Amanda Palmer plays as a SLOW MOTION montage begins. Reptile’s head flies off. Jhim walks angrily toward the bar. Hewitt sends a text message to Wick once again. Robbis plays Asteroids very seriously. Wick leans back in his chair with a blank expression. Jhim is still walking angrily toward the bar. Hewitt looks away from his computer screen at the picture of him and Flaylia on his mirror. Robbis enters his initials into the Asteroids machine. Wick is sleeping with his head to the side, and Nally peeks in and smiles. Jhim grabs the guy with his arm around JaKwee and throws him into a Dig Dug machine. Both girls look terrified. The guy tries to come back and punch Jhim, but Jhim knocks him out with one long, slow motion punch to the face.
The episode ends by cutting to black as the guy hits the floor. The credits roll while “Ampersand” continues to play. Everyone is totally enthralled by the exciting episode and sends tweets to @HBO about how great BOYS is.
Bella from the imaginary HBO™ Original Series BOYS, wearing a sugar glider t-shirt designed by Robbis. New episode tonight after GIRLS.